It has been one of those weeks where I become convinced that it really does take more then a set of parents to raise a child.  And I don’t mean just to teach them and mold them in to good little citizens…I mean so they’ll still be alive at the end of the day.  Friends, supports and sometimes just witnesses are essential.  More than once I have just headed for the Mall because in the presence of dozens of strangers I am more likely to act like more like the mother I want to be than the psycho witch I seem to turn in to when no one is watching.

Yesterday  (or as I now post….about a month ago….) was one of those days where I was flipping surprisingly quickly from being the best mother in the world to a dumba$$.  Mr. Knevel was away so I thought I would treat the kids to a breakfast at Dunks before school.  This was partly selfishly motivated.  Did you heard about the Today Show anniversary donuts?  Well…I had and I loved them, but you had to get there early to get one.  I figured if we went before school, I’d get my donut AND get to look like a fun Mom.  Fun for about 15 minutes.  Until I had to more or less shout at them I would never buy them another donut again of they didn’t get in the flippin car.

We finally get in the car and I put on good music.  We rock out, we laugh, morning salvaged.  I looked good until we get to school and I realize it was Wednesday and that’s the day Pouty has lunch at school and I’d forgotten to make her one.  Since I spent all my money on donuts, I have to *borrow* money from Word Girl so Pouty could buy lunch (mind you I could have saved time by simply lighting the $3 on fire right there in the parking lot since not only will she not eat school lunch, but I was later told she dropped her tray on the floor).   I was glad I remembered about lunch…I was glad I didn’t scream at WG about her loan terms (the money had come from me in the first place and she wasn’t going to School Store until the next day).  So, while we had only been up for an hour and a half we had some ups and downs.  Some good Mommy moments and some not so good.   Also by these events I ended up dropping my boy Evel off at pre-school early.  An early drop off meant a few precious extra moments where I could stop feeling like a bi-polar lunatic Mother who couldn’t even remember to feed her kid anything other than a donut.   But this rare drop off event  led me to bump in to a good friend who although holding it together was obviously about to lose HIS schmit with his kids.  Well….one of them.

As I think I have mentioned before….Pouty and Evel’s best friends are brother and sister and luckily Mr. Knevel and I get on really well with their parents.  So well, that is it not uncommon for me to turn up at their house at say 10am and still find myself there for dinner.  My Howler Monkeys are just like theirs….we are all well versed in the strong-willed child…and we all get really irritated when one of our Howler Monkeys decides to freak out, screw with our day or more or less make us look like crappy parents.  We get each other and it is so much easier to have friends who orbit the same parenting planet that you do.

The problem was not Evel’s buddy….it was Pouty’s.  She was standing there…sobbing…refusing to be taken to Kindergarten….hysterical….for no reason.    This was the second time she had pulled the act this week and it is an act she saves for her Dad.  When she pulled it on Monday she saved her crazy for when Daddy had walked home after drop-off and she tried to flee off school property.  Today there was no getting to school.  She had latched on and he figured he could at least get one to school on time and when he battled to shake off the latched on banshee….well, there would be fewer parents watching.  And judging.  His dread was not the child’s tantrum…it was looking like an a$$hat in front of the school…..for the second time that week.  As there is strength in numbers…not to mention I am much calmer and rational with crazy kids that aren’t my own…..I offered to go with him.

I really didn’t do much other than tell him he was doing all the right stuff.  I made sure his daughter didn’t unbuckle, or leap out of   the moving car.  I opened doors and was the one to alert office staff we needed help.  We detached her and legged it.  I told the teacher what was going on.  We left the building more or less giving high-5s.  20 minutes later the banshee was 100% fine and asking why they had morning meeting without her.  Because there were two of us tag-teaming the kid, there was less than half the drama and minimal judging.   Or at least less judging to our faces and more eye rolling and laughing at the kid and not the crappy inept parents.

So after all this ramble….my main point is this.  That day was one in which I  got to be both the Mayor AND the village idiot ….flip-flopping between the two with in  seconds of each other.  I also got proof that when the village idiots unite….we look better….we things get done.  We exude competence we may or may not have.  So when you’re not the Mayor look around the village….look to other villages……or just knock on my Crack House door.   I am the idiot who is usually very happy to help make you look better and convince you not to ship the kids off to boarding school….at least for a little while.

Do you have days where you just can’t figure out how you got to be a parent.   That the concept of you as a person in charge of little people just seems about the stupidest thing the universe could of done?  Today I may not require a write up to a State agency….but I seem very much like one of those absent-minded high school students.  Texting, and snapping gum…sort of forgetting to feed the kids, trying to park my van like a bad first time driver and forgetting everything I’m supposed to be doing.  Sadly no one is mistaking me for a young teenage au pair….and certainly no one is about to be throwing any money my way for my half baked job.  I am not trying to beat myself up about anything…but I am not really in my crazy plodding forward groove.   Nothing is going exactly badly…there is just no grace with my parenting.  I feel like everything I do is half finished or in many cases half started in a more obvious, glaring way than normal.  I am late responding to emails dealing with their activities.  The kids talk to me and half way through the rambles I’m all “Wait what?”  realizing I have not taken in one word.  While I don’t feel the need to be perfect or “have it all together”  I wish things felt a little less like flying by the seat of my pants….or that really I am 15 and the real parents will be home any second and I can get on with my other  job of planning a kegger in the woods.

My plan is to take the high road….eat some cookie dough……put myself to bed early and cross my fingers that maybe early PMS is making me so spacey.  But if I carry on in my cloud don’t be surprised if you hear I’m trying to pass myself off as friend of the family just here helping for the day……

As I was dropping off Pouty at a birthday party I got in to a conversation with a group of great Moms.  I love them all…I love their kids.  As one of the room parents and having fallen in love with the teacher 3 years before it is actually my favorite bit of crazy in my world right now.  I am happy to put a little more time than I have in to doing things for the class simply because I find it fun.  Certainly more fun than house work and laundry.   I can also run screaming from the school building at any time.

So as we stood there….talking about our weekend, tasks that needed doing, how glad we were not hosting  20 5-6 year olds in our houses, a mother looked at me and said : “Oh please….you have it all together, I bet it’s all easy for you.”  I nearly spit my drink in her eye.  The only thing I have together is my humor on  how un-together I am.  Any places I look together?  Smoke and mirrors my friends.

I was standing there unshowered, dressed straight off the floor in yesterdays cast offs.  In fact there is a good chance I was in the shirt I slept in.  I have a good 1/2″ of roots showing.  Another week without some time with a box of Loreal medium ash brown and you can call me Pepe Le Pew.  My breakfast was an Ego waffle with Nutella and I had exactly $1.06 cents in my wallet.  I know that because I didn’t have enough for a coffee.  The gift I got was from Family Dollar.  In my defence was exactly what the child asked for.   Frankly the only reason I didn’t knock anyone over with my stink is down to gum and good deodorant.    My big nod to being fancy was eyeliner and sparkly earrings (sparkle distracts from roots and eye bags—or so goes my theory).

So that was my personal appearance.  Let’s talk about the trashed house I left behind.  The bathrooms were some what clean but ONLY because Word Girl had a friend over and I didn’t want her to gag if she needed the facilities.  I can more or less state that your experience of my house is now 100% dependent on who you use the bathroom after.  Me?  One of the girls?  You’ll be OK.  Evel…I can only apologize.  You would think every time he went to pee he found the bathroom on fire with only one means to put it out.   He is bathroom trained….the potty trained part is literally hit or miss.

There was also the food situation, the uncleaned guinea pig, the load of wash 2 days old in the machine, a load in the dryer and many more to be put away.  There were the clean dishes sitting in the loaded dishwasher and the dirty ones yet to go in.  There was an odd smell coming from some where in the fridge.  I will spare you the state of personal relationships, unreturned emails, calls, THIS BLOG.

I don’t think any of you who read this feel that I have it all together, but I was shocked anyone who had spoken to me in real life thought I did.   I should have told her to read this blog…then she would really know how together I am.

It occurs to me that I should mention we have upped Word Girl’s medication….doubled it in fact.  We have gone from 5mg to 10mg as of this past weekend.  Tuesday was  her first day at school with it so it is a little hard to tell what, if anything, is happening.  She says she thinks it works better…..and homework yesterday was the easiest EVER….but who knows.    I know we just have to sit back and wait for a while.  You all know how well I do with sitting back and waiting.

When she first started her medication she complained about stomach upset, but that settled out eventually.  I was a little worried an increase would bring that back.  She seems a little less hungry the last few days, but I don’t think it has been too bad.  Decreased appetite yes, but no complaints about discomfort or pain.  She is back to eating the bulk of her calories at breakfast and dinner, lunches boxes come back fairly full.  I am back to packing lots of different snacks in the hope that something will appeal.   Her weight never became an issue and I don’t think it will be with the change.  Just something to watch for.

In general she still seems her usual zany self.  Lots of talking and trying to over mother/boss around the other Howler Monkeys…..lots of  trying out pre-pre-teen attitude.  I’m not loving some of the back talk, or say asking her to pick something up off the floor and suddenly being served a platter of  ”You are asking me to do the most unfair thing in the whole history of forever!”  No….it’s not a side of effect of her meds….it’s just part of the phase of life we are entering.  And while I can sit here and type my understanding of her pain-in-the-arse attitude problem willfullness….it does not mean I have to like it.

For the first time in like forever……it is quiet.   If you strain your ears you can hear the washing machine and the dryer….the guinea pig doing whatever it is he does to make up his day….perhaps a truck moving around outside.  But really….that’s it.   As of today everyone is back doing what they do, except me since I seem to be sitting here on the couch and actually posting something.

I do miss the kids.  Really.  Well…. for the most part.  We had a nice vacation.  They were loud and crazy, but aside from a trip to urgent care for the removal of a giant wad of Play-Doh from Evel’s ear, all other issues we fairly easily resolved (note to you all…Play-Doh deep in the ear is best removed by skilled professionals, like doctors or people who know how to pin down and wrestle crocodiles).

So where are we at in the Crack House?  All the decorations are put away….expect for the fake tree which lies in three parts behind me.  The pre-wired lights have gone mental and need sorting.    Laundry is in a reasonable state….although I have an extra load today (thank you Eval for a 2am wet bed sheet change).   There is even enough food in the house.  So why do I have this chunk of free time….simple.  I forgot to make an appointment for more PT this week and my email to Pouty’s teacher to come in and help was so unclear I am fairly certain she wondered if I’d been drinking when I typed it.  I’d worry more about that, but as it has led me here, I’ll put it down to divine intervention.

Until a 1pm pick-up the world is my oyster.  So….if you’ll excuse me, I am going to stare out the window and finish my cup of tea.  If I feel like really pushing out the boat I’ll even risk a shower.  Maybe even manage to shave both legs.  Seems a bit weird though…..would one of you come bang on the bathroom door for me?  It seems too much of a luxury…..

I am here to not only update you on Christmas in the Crack House, but also to put off the removal of decor and glitter from every surface of the house.  There are two ginger bread nativities….three gingerbread gram cracker houses to be dealt with.  All the Fisher Price Little People need to be rounded up for the Christmas village.  But really….as much as I want my house back, we’re all a little addicted to the new Wii.  And by we I mean Mr. Knevel and I.  And maybe the boy (although he mostly drives his cart in to a wall and screams about it).

Now I know you have two big questions.  How did the Nutcrakcer go and did Evel love the Thumbelina laptop?

The Nutcracker.  It was not until we were IN the lobby showing her tickets to the big fancy Opera House that Pouty realized what was happening.  Being in a gown on a train was perfectly normal to her and did not clue her in the least we were up to anything unusual.  She lost her mind with delirious joy….then pouted for a bit when we refused to buy her a ballerina doll.  I would like to thank the girls in front of us for taunting her through the whole performance of what she was missing out on.  But really….she was thrilled, I was thrilled….even Word Girl was surprised that she liked it so much.  And the boys?  Well….3/4ths of it was grand.  Then Mr. Knevel fell asleep and Evel announced it should be over.  NOW.  Luckily the cheers for the Sugar Plum Fairy’s repeated encores drowned out his shouts of “No more clapping!!!!”  ”You are done nooooowwwww!!!”  and “I said stop your dancing!!!!!”  So….we survived, but next time it may just be Pouty and me.

The laptop.  Didn’t get here in time.  I was a bit bummed out.  Evel didn’t even notice.  Luckily what he really wanted was his own DS (thank you second-hand DS Lite via Craigslist).  Everyone loved what they got and generally it was a fun day crashing Mario Karts around and trying not to get sick on chocolate.  The laptop arrived yesterday and we are waiting to give it to him….he hasn’t asked, but when he does, it is here in all it’s pink glory.

And now it’s now Thursday….we’ve done some fun things (yahoo Ikea!) but today, we’re still in PJs.  The Wii is on the go  and I am  looking for motivation to do anything.   I have low expectations though….Word Girl has just challenged me to a round of Just Dance…..

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret.  We are letting the kids all skip school (half day) and we’re taking them in to the **big** city to see The Nutcracker.  Pouty is going to loose her flippin mind.  I’m a little afraid I might too.

I love the  Nutcracker.  I love the music, the costumes, the sets….I love it all.  I have not however loved it with 3 little people and a husband in tow.  I am totally fine with people not liking it, but I am thinking about sticking some duck tape or a taser in my purse.  We’re more or less skipping a car payment to pay for these tickets and I am not going to be happy if I find myself pacing a lobby with a child.  I was happy to pass the time in such a fashion missing chunks of High School Musical 3.  But if they are not silent and mezmerized….which I know there is a 98.5% chance they won’t all be….I will weep because I want to be.

So tomorrow around 10am feel free to think of me….on a train with my brood wondering why they are in formal attire.  Picture me possibly listing off bribes and threats for good behavior.  And if Evel shouts he needs to go Potty over the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, I’m throwing myself in the orchestra pit.

To anyone drifting over from Mommy land today!  Helllo!!!    I wish I had something fancy to say today, but I don’t.  Even a game of Bejewled Blitz seems beyond my abilities.  On the upside to those of you who have been listening to me whine the past week I can report some progress around the Crack House.

1.)  The mur-fer-ducking cards.  Not with out actual physical pain though.   Lets just say that due to a technical error I got to address 175 cards.  And then I got to do it again.    My New Years resolution is now make address labels and possibly have fewer friends.

2.)  Wrapping.  Done.  Well…done-ish.  I had just enough paper and about 2″ of tape left to spare.   I did get some more tape when I picked up my Christmas pictures….but it got left at the store and I just have no time left to go back and get it.

3.)  That Cryon Maker Pouty wanted….the one I told her Godfather he could go ahead and get…..the one he went to 9 stores and 2 states looking for?   Oddly enough her Godmother walked in to Target and there it was.   According to the sales staff it is my Christmas Miracle for the year.  Who knew?  Look forward to a post on Christmas Day talking about how excited I am my house smells of melting crayons.

4.) I won the Ebay auction.  There is a pink lap top headed to the Crack House. WOOT!

Now if George Clooney would just arrive with a bow….well then  everyone will be getting what they want for Christmas.

Mr. Knevel took pity on my frantic Christmas state and gave me two hours (he didn’t have) to power through 90% of the wrapping.   He’s been working like 70+ hour weeks….dealing with massive impossible dead lines….yelling at people like Scotty to Captain Kirk “We can’t push it any harder!” except his accent is English and he’s talking about network servers and not star ships.  Then he comes home to me  being all HELLLLP  and boo-hoo-hoo about bows and our photo card needing to get printed.  He’ll likely do 80+ hour weeks next week just to avoid being in the house with me.

In an additional shout out to him I complained my (fake) black UGG boots had worn through both heals and I’d love a pair for Christmas.  Not only did he hear what I said he returned home with a new pair….identical to my old ones (sans holes) and I nearly wept with the miracle I felt occurred.   Really.  They were the right size and everything.

So least one thing is done and for a nanosecond and I can walk around in non-leaking (although ugly) boots.   I will be happy with that.  As long as I don’t think about the cards or all the cleaning I need done by Tuesday night.  Although I could get creative and make some sort of party game for my guests out of folding the laundry or timing how long it takes them to un-stick themselves from my floor.  No game can be made out of the state of the bathroom….except perhaps Name that Bio-Hazzard.  Perhaps not so festive.

Pouty:   Mommy..we are going to have SO much fun on Christmas!  I can’t wait!!

Me:  I know Pouty!  I can’t wait either.   What are you looking forward to the most.

Pouty:  My crayon maker.

Me:   Pouty…we talked about that.  It  wasn’t on your list.  If Mommy doesn’t know, Santa won’t bring it.  He only brings things I say are OK.  And really….Mommy’s not sure that she wants the house to smell like melted crayons.  We’re still going to wait and see about that for your birthday.  Maybe.

Pouty:   Don’t worry Mommy.  I’ll be happy with what I get….but I’ll keep praying and wishing and maybe Santa will get it any way  (picture tightly clenched eyes and praying hands)

Me:  OK Pouts….Good luck with that.

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I’m not caving….at least not yet…..I don’t think……